My Torture
by whimsycality
Summary: Tess POV of her relationship with Max, set to My Torture by Esthero. Rebel and Dreamer mentions. Angsty.


**A/N: **Tess POV on Max, through end of season two. Canonish, depending on your interpretation, and a weaker version of Tess than I usually prefer, but in this fic she wrote herself that way. Crazy high angst factor. Song is by Esthero.

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><p><em><strong>My Torture<strong>_

_Set myself on fire, anything to turn your head_

_I won't deny this, I'm burning from the things you said_

_Now you got me running around and all that I have found is that I can't afford him_

_All I got is spare change cause he was my fortune_

_My torture_

Your name was my first word. Your face was the face of every boy who ever looked at me, the face of every boy I wanted to look at. You haunted my dreams, my fantasies, from when they were the innocent imaginings of playing house, to the hormone driven lustful scenarios post puberty. I loved you before I knew what love was. Why don't you love me?

You did once, or so he says. The fuzzy memories I've reclaimed seem to confirm this, but no matter how hard I try to believe, sometimes all I see is lies. You are real though, not a maybe memory of a past husband, but a flesh and blood mortal whose beauty stuns me, attracts me, makes me forget all of his lessons on control and distance.

I've seen you look at me, even when I'm not making you, and I know something in you, even if it is just your own hormones, is attracted to me as well. I've tried to fan those flames of attraction, to use my gifts both human and otherwise to make you burn as I burn, but somehow you resist.

Is it her? She's pretty, I can't deny that, and she seems to love you too, although I think not with the same fire that I do. She doesn't look capable of such passion. But she has you, the real you, so perhaps she has charms that I am not aware of. If she does, I must learn them, because clearly mine are not enough and I will have you. I must have you, not because of destiny, or the past, but because you have been my future since your name first left my lips and I will not rest until I've made my dreams come true.

_Had myself a lover, I liked him cause of all of the books that he read_

_And he was like no other boy that I had ever met before_

_And I loved all the things that he said_

_I wanted to heal him, I did not plan on staying as long_

_I didn't think I would need him so how did he become_

_My torture_

I had given up on you. I had resigned myself to a life without the only person I had ever wanted, to a life without dreams or fantasies or love. But then, miracle of miracles, she left you, and not just left you, but pushed you to me. If you weren't everything I think about, I would have thanked her for giving me hope back.

You looked so lost, so broken, no longer strong and vibrant and everything that made you, you. I still wanted you, still needed you, but fixing the damage she had caused, restoring you to the bright, shining person you had been when I first found you, was more important. I did everything I could, said all the right words, didn't push, and slowly you opened up to me. But it wasn't enough, I could see in your eyes that I would never be her, that I could never truly heal you.

I didn't care. Because it was enough for me. It was more than I had hoped for and feeling your lips on mine was even better than saying your name, even if I did see her every time we kissed. You were finally mine and my girlish dreams were coming true.

_I want you to comfort me_

_I want you to stop disturbing my sleep_

_I really thought you were my king_

_I thought you were my king_

_I want it to stop hurting so bad_

I don't know how this happened. I don't know where it went wrong. I don't remember making this decision; I don't remember choosing this path. I want to feel your arms around me again. I want you to tell me that it's going to be okay, that all of this is some nightmare that you woke me from with a kiss.

But you can't. Because this is real, more real than the love you never felt for me, and it's too late to change things now. I did this, somehow. I caused this. And now I'm all alone, crying inside of a living stone that is taking me somewhere I never wanted to go, not without you. All I ever wanted was you. All of my plans were for you. All of my being has lived and breathed you from my unusual birth, and it will live and breathe you until my inevitable death.

This was supposed to be a fairytale. I was your Queen, you were my King, and he would be our Prince, no matter what planet we lived on. But now my only title is traitor, and you're with her, and his future is a terrifying unknown that I can only pray is happier than my own.

I hope he lives; I hope that I can always have a part of you, since the real you will never be mine again. I wonder if it will hurt to see the hate on your face. Not that I would mind, because it would mean seeing you again, and that is better than never knowing your fate.

I want to wake up now, in your arms, under the stars. I want you tell me that it's going to be okay, that all of this was a nightmare. I whisper your name to myself as I fall asleep and pray that I never wake up again.


End file.
